Fast Car
by rizzles-4-lyf
Summary: Maura tries to comprehend where her life with Jane started going downhill. When Jane leaves how will Maura cope with raising their daughters alone? Will Jane come back? Will things ever be the same? NO LONGER A ONE SHOT
1. Fast Car

This one shot has been STRONGLY inspired by  
_Fast Car by Tracey Chapman._

**Mauras POV  
**"Can't we wait until Ma gets home?" The worst part about having a pre-teen daughter was that she was now fully aware of her surroundings. She was aware that it was late and one of her parents was yet to come home, and she was aware that I was also worried.

"No, but I'll make sure she comes in and says goodnight when she gets home." I said quietly, pressing my lips softly against my twelve year old daughter's forehead. Emy huffed in annoyance, turning over to face away from me without saying goodnight. I was always the bad guy.

The fireplace in the corner of the living room had started to heat the house, so I was more than happy to take my place in the rocking chair my mother had passed down to me when I had our first child. I pulled our daughters baby blanket to cover my legs that were now folded comfortably underneath my body.

I rest my head on the back of the chair and let the slow rocking settle any stress and worries I had from the day just passed. I let my eyes wander around the warm, large living room. There were photographs of our little girls scattered around the room, along with art work our eldest had painted for us. It was a room full of memories; some far better than others. There was a stain on the carpet from the first time we let our daughter crawl around without a nappy on. There was a random patch sewn on one of the sofa cushions from where Jane had spilled beer the first week we moved into the house. It was a family home, that's for sure.

It _was _a family home. These days, it felt like a shell of what it once was. I was finding myself spending more and more nights alone, trying to put three anxious little girls to sleep. Every night I had to come up with another reason why their other mother wasn't here to kiss them goodnight, and it was getting to be too much for me. A four year old should not be worried about her parents. The mere thought made my eyes squeeze shut.

How did we get here? I took a deep breath and let my eyes settle on the photo of Jane and I on our wedding day. I was heavily pregnant and wearing a second hand designer dress, Jane beside me in a Red Sox jersey. It wasn't anything like the wedding I had always dreamed of, but it was one of the happiest days of my life. We look happy in that photo, and I tried to remember that feeling. I tried to remember what it felt like to be completely at peace with my life.

We worked our way up from nothing. Jane had left school at sixteen to help take care of her sick mother and she had made me promise I would graduate and go somewhere in life. I graduated and started my life, but it was no life without her. We ran away together like a pair of fifteen year olds. We moved from shelter to shelter, often spending nights cuddled up in my car trying to stay warm. She worked at a convenience store while I went to college and got my medical degree, something I still can't believe I achieved.

We mended things with our families and worked harder than ever to make a life for ourselves. We spent endless weekends on the roof of my car staring at the stars planning our life together.

Five years later we bought this house. We lived in the suburbs and had our families over for Sunday dinners. We finally had the life we had always dreamed of having, and we had it together. At least I thought it was the life _we _wanted.

Here we are now, twelve years later. We're married; we have three beautiful little girls who represent all that is good in this world and yet nothing felt like I imagined it would.

"Maura?" The second I heard her slurred speech, I felt the air knocked right out of my lungs. I was exhausted, but I got up and helped her walk to the sofa none the less. The smell of beer on her breath was so potent it nearly triggered my gag reflex.

"Where were you?" I asked her quietly, running my hands through my blonde hair and tucking any lose strands behind my ears. This wasn't the woman I fell in love with, and I couldn't for the life of me work out where she had gone.

"I was just having some drinks with Frost and Korsak." She smiled, and I didn't have the nerve to tell her that I had called them earlier and neither of them knew where she was. Every night for the past two weeks she had come home past midnight stinking of beer or tequila.

"I told the girls you'd go say goodnight when you got home." I told her as she yawned silently. She nodded slowly, her eyes red and hazy as she stood up and made her way towards the girls rooms. "Can you brush your teeth first?" I asked, biting down on my bottom lip as I grabbed the door handle of one of the girls rooms and held it in place. She huffed at me and made her way to our room where I assumed she was going to use the ensuite.

Half an hour passed and she hadn't returned. I was more than sure that she had passed out but I couldn't bring myself to go and check. I walked back into the living room and curled up on the sofa, tears burning behind my eyes as I realised this is exactly what my life was going to be from here on.

"Hey." Janes sudden presence in the room made me jump, quickly wiping any stray tears away from my face before she noticed them, though I'm sure in her current state she probably wouldn't have noticed them anyway.

"Do you want to leave?" I asked as she sat down beside me, the smell of beer thankfully a lot less potent than it was earlier. She looked at me in complete confusion, her eyes a little more clear than before. "If you want to get away for a few days; I'm not going anywhere. We'll be here when you get back if you need some time…"

"Are you asking me to leave?" She asked in disbelief, sitting forward beside me and running her hands through her long, dark hair.

"You see more of your friends than you do your kids." My statement was simple, but she knew what I was saying. "I always hoped for better from us, Jane. This isn't what I want my children to grow up thinking is normal. Alcoholism runs in families and I cannot put them at risk of this happening to them." My voice was quiet. I had had this conversation with her so many times in my head, yet this was the first time I had found the nerve to speak it aloud. I knew it wasn't fair to bring up her alcoholic father or brother; but I needed to protect our girls no matter what the sacrifice.

"Why would you wait for me?" She asked, her voice as quiet as mine when she spoke now. She looked up at me, her eyes no longer shining the way they once did. Those eyes used to set a fire inside of my heart; now they just made me want to cry.

"Because you're still the person I fell in love with, you're just struggling right now." She nodded, a moment of silence passing as she took in my words.

"I'm sorry." I swallowed the lump in my throat at her simple, powerful statement. It was the first time in my life I could ever recall Jane apologising for anything.

"Go say goodbye to the girls before you go."


	2. Mommies Little Girls

Mommy's Little Girls

**Mauras POV  
**"I couldn't do it." Janes quiet voice came from behind me, making me jump in my place. I turned around and noted the suitcase she was wheeling behind her towards the front door.

"Don't you dare." I warned her. My voice was quiet but the fact she couldn't look at my face told me she knew what I was saying. I stood up and grabbed the bag, both of us flinching when it dropped loudly against the hardwood floor. "I understand why you need to leave, but they won't understand why you left without saying goodbye." She closed her eyes, sighing as she ran her left hand over her face.

"Can't you just explain to them that…"

"You want me to explain to our four year old that one of their mothers needs a break from her family?" I asked in disbelief, my eyes wide as my hands went to each of my hips. I knew my words were hurting her, and as much as I wanted to be soft and gentle with her; the three little girls in this house had to take precedence.

"Momma?" My stomach dropped as the sound of our nine year old daughters voice came from the kitchen entryway. Jane bit down on her bottom lip as she ran her hand through her hair, knowing at this point there was no escaping the conversation. I looked between our daughter and my wife and waited for her to respond; she didn't.

"Come here sweetheart." I said with a shaky voice, lifting the slight girl off the ground when she reached me. Her whole body was tense and I felt my heart sink in my chest. Studies show children can easily pick up on marital tension. I sat back down on the sofa and looked over to Jane who stood awkwardly by the front door. It was obvious that she was trying to make a decision.

Thankfully for me, she came and sat down next to us. She leaned forward and took both of Madison's hands in her own, looking her biological daughter in the eye before she spoke.

"Ma has to go away for a little while." I bit down hard on the inside of my mouth as one of my hands started smoothing Madison's hair, trying to keep her as calm and relaxed as possible.

"How long are you going for?" She asked in a sleepy voice, her head leaning back to rest on my chest as she spoke to Jane. Janes eyes shot to mine, searching my eyes for an answer to her question.

"I don't know." Jane admitted with a soft smile. And that's when it all went downhill.

"Can I come with you?" I closed my eyes, my heart racing in my chest as I began to imagine all the horrible directions this conversation could take.

"No, baby. You can't come with me." Madison's whole body stiffened in my arms and I instinctively tightened my hold on the little girl.

"I-Is this because I didn't clean my room because I will go do it right now." She struggled against my grip, and Jane took a deep breath before she nodded to me to let her go.

"You know it's nothing you or either of your sisters did, baby." Jane told the nine year old who was now in her lap, her arms wrapped tightly around Janes neck.

"This is your home." I was shocked at such strong words coming from such a young girl. "I'll try extra hard at school and I'll even do baseball like you wanted me to and I'll convince Emy to do it too." I sighed quietly as I watched heartbreak make its way over both my daughter, and my wifes faces.

"I have to go." Jane was looking at me as she spoke now. It was obvious she couldn't handle any more of the unintentional guilt tripping Madison was doing. I nodded slowly and stood up, trying to take the little girls hand in mine

"No!" Madison screamed, both of us jumping at the unexpected outburst. My first thought was that the absolute worst thing that could happen right now would be if the other girls woke up. Thankfully, that wasn't happening yet.

"I'll call you tomorrow." Jane promised as tears started to fall from her eyes. I swallowed the lump in my throat as Jane stood up, Madison's arms around her neck not giving way as Jane tried to put her down.

She looked at me with pleading eyes and something told me that the faster Jane left, the easier this was going to be on all parties. I pried Madison's hands off Janes body until she fell into my waiting arms. I wrapped myself around her body, holding her close as she struggled to get to Jane.

Then there was silence. Jane was gone and the room was silent apart from the sound of our heavy breathing.

"I'm so sorry." I whispered into her hair, tears threatening to fall from my eyes as I spoke. I let her go and was surprised when she turned in my arms and wrapped her fragile frame around mine, burying her face in my neck.

I carried her into my bedroom, pulling the covers up around the both of us before running my fingers through her curly hair. She was silent, her eyes focusing anywhere but on mine. She was like Jane when she was emotional, it took her time to process what she needed to say.

"Ma isn't coming back." It wasn't a question.

"Yes she is." I said without missing a beat. "She just needs some alone time." I said, forcing a reassuring smile as I realised I was going to have to have this conversation with our two other children tomorrow.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"I'm so sorry." I couldn't explain why I felt it so necessary to apologise to our twelve and four year old daughters. Maybe because there was nothing else I could do.

"Can I go see grandma and TJ?" Emy asked, seemingly unbothered by the news that one of her mothers had left indefinitely. Angela still lived in our guest house, and Emy in particular had a strong bond with her.

"We'll all go." I smiled as I stood up, carrying my sleeping four year old into their grandmothers house. Angela smiled excitedly, jumping up and covering Emy and Madison in kisses as I placed our youngest, Ally, on the sofa.

"Where's my daughter?" Angela asked casually as she pressed her lips to my cheek. I took a deep breath and prepared for explaining it all again.

"She left us. Dunno when she'll be back." Emy announced as she and TJ went out into the backyard, soccer ball in her hand. Angela's eyes bulged as she turned to look at me.

"Go play with Emy and TJ baby." Angela instructed Madison who rolled her eyes but did as she was told. "What happened?"

"She's been drinking, a lot." Angela closed her eyes but nodded in understanding as she guided me into the living area. She sat close beside me, her hand resting on my leg, remembering how much I hated to be hugged by anyone other than my children or Jane when I was upset. That's when the tears started.

"Oh Maura." Angela sighed, rubbing my leg softly as I checked to ensure Ally was still sleeping before I continued.

"She needed a break from us, so she left. She left without saying goodbye to Emy or Ally and I don't know what to do. What do I do?" I begged the mother of three, hoping she had some answers for me.

"She loves you, she'll come back." That didn't help me at all.

"She said she would call today, and she hasn't called." The slight frown that made its way onto my mother in laws face told me that even she thought that was a bad sign.

"Do you want me to watch the girls tonight?" Angela offered her voice soft as she spoke. "You can have a bath and a few glasses of wine." Her suggestion sounded like pure heaven, but there was no chance of me leaving the girls for even an hour after the past day they've had.

"I appreciate that, but I just want to be with them." She nodded understandingly, sighing as she stood and lifted Ally off the bed, carrying her into her bedroom.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"We're going to have to talk about this." I told our eldest daughter as I sat cross legged on her bed later that night. I had let her stay up later than usual so I could be sure the other girls would be asleep before I had the chance to really talk to her.

"There's nothing to talk about." She shot back too quickly, her eyes averting from mine. I pursed my lips and moved closer to her, grabbing one of her hands and bringing it to my face, pressing light kisses to her fingers. A few more moments passed before she finally sighed. "Is it your fault she left?" She asked, looking me straight in the eye now.

"What?" I had to admit, I was not expecting that question. "No. She's just working through some things and she needs to do that alone."

"So without you, in other words." I closed my eyes as I realised she was completely convinced it was my fault Jane had left us.

"Your mother has a problem, Emy. A problem none of us can help her with." She rolled her eyes at me, pulling her hand away from me. "I am trying to process this just as much as you are." I told her with a slightly raised voice. I started to get up, feeling tears start to burn behind my eyes. She caught me from behind, my body falling down onto the bed as she wrapped herself around me.

"I'm sorry." She whispered, nuzzling her face into the crook of my neck. I kept my eyes closed and let my hand gently rub her back. "I hate her, mom."

I had no idea how to tell her I was starting to feel the same way.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

**I was planning on keeping this story a one shot, but I'm seeing some potential here I just can't pass up! I promise it'll pick up and it will EVENTUALLY be back to Rizzles!**


	3. Stay

Stay

I sat at the kitchen counter with my usual morning espresso in my palms, my eyes directed at Ally who was munching on a piece of toast. Both our other children had completely taken after Jane; it was impossible to get them out of bed before 11am on weekends. I had grown to love the one on one time it allowed me with our little girl while the rest of the house slept.

"What do you want to do today, sweetie?" I asked as I made my way to where she was sitting quietly on the sofa. She looked up at me with a small smiling as she continued eating, shrugging casually as she went back to watching baseball on the television. I guess she was more like Jane than I ever noticed. "Maybe you and I should have a special day just you and me." I suggested, again earning nothing but a smile and shrug. I laughed quietly and rolled my eyes, deciding to just let her do what was making her happy.

"Hellooo?" Angela's voice came from the front door as she opened it just enough to peak her head in. Ally swallowed the last bit of food in her mouth as she placed her plate on my lap, running toward her grandmother. Angela lifted her off the ground with a groan. "Go ask mommy if I can take you and your sisters to the zoo with TJ today." Angela said, her eyes on mine as she placed Ally back on the ground.

"Can we pleaaaaase?!" Ally begged, tugging on the sleeve of my dressing gown. I frowned, remembering that I had only just asked the four year old to spend the day with me. I guess a day at the zoo with her sisters and cousin was more fun than hanging out with your mom.

"We can go, but you have to go wake up your sisters." Ally smiled excitedly and ran toward the bedrooms. I stood up and stretched, yawning as I placed the plate Ally had left in my lap in the dishwasher.

"You can't come with us. You have other plans today." Angela told me, her voice quiet and full of guilt. I turned to face her, my head cocked slightly to the right as I wracked my brain for any plans I had forgotten about.

"I do?" I questioned, coming up completely blank.

"Don't be mad." Her words made me frown as I sighed, dreading whatever was coming next. "Jane called me this morning." The sound of Janes name made my stomach turn as I tried my best to keep my composure.

"Okay?" I crossed my arms across my chest uncomfortably. She could call her mother but she couldn't call me? Couldn't call her daughters? I tried to swallow the lump that was forming in my throat as I waited for her to continue.

"And you're going to meet her at Boston Joes in an hour." My eyes widened as I noted that plans involving me had been planned without any consideration for how I felt.

"Why didn't she just come home?" I asked, tears burning behind my eyes as I tried to comprehend that my _wife _had called her mother to organise me meeting her at a public place. "Is she leaving me?" The realisation crashed into me, my hands gripping the cold marble bench behind me as I tried to keep my breathing steady.

"No!" Angela exclaimed with an apologetic smile as she walked toward me, placing both her hands on my forearms as she tried to calm me down. "She just needs to talk; I think." Angela whispered the last part of her sentence and it was obvious Jane hadn't given her much information to work with.

"Are we really going to the zoo or is Ally just being stupid again?" Emy asked as she appeared in the kitchen beside me suddenly, fully dressed and ready for the day ahead. I smiled at her, wrapping my arm around her shoulder as I pressed my lips to the top of her head. "Are you okay?" She asked quietly, looking up at me with a heartbreakingly worried look on her young face.

"She's sad she doesn't get to come to the zoo." Angela joked, nudging me playfully as if to tell me to cut it out while they were still here. Emy rolled her eyes at her grandmother.

"Hey, don't be rude." I warned her, holding her face in my hands as I pressed my lips to her forehead. "Everything is perfectly good." I told her, my breath catching in my throat. I was thankful for the fact the kids hadn't figured out that hives meant I was lying. I pulled my dressing gown shut tight across my chest as the familiar burning set in.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I sat in the booth Jane and I sat in any time we came to Boston Joes. It was tucked away at the back of the store front and it was generally the most private place you could find in such a busy coffee shop. I had traded my dressing gown for a sun dress, something I very rarely dared to wear. I always knew how much Jane loved it when I wore short dresses though, and if there was ever a day I wanted her to see what she was missing; it was today.

It's strange how having children changes you in the simplest ways. I couldn't remember the last time I wore a designer dress; having _three _children more often than not meant mess. I'd figured out once we had Madison that I was much better off wearing clothes I wasn't worried about ruining. It was the same with high heels. Working in them all day is one thing, chasing a four year old around in them is another story all together. I wore a pair of simple red flats today.

"Hey." Janes sudden presence pulled me from my thoughts of my appearance. I looked across at her as she slid in the booth across from me. I pursed my lips and forced a smile, taking my coffee in my hands so I had something to fiddle with.

"Your mother said you wanted to talk to me?" I asked her, getting straight to the point of why we were here. Her eyes softened as she gave me her _be nice _expression.

"How are the girls?" She asked, taking a sip of her own coffee casually as if we were just two old friends catching up.

"They're good. Emy is…" I was going to tell her how angry our eldest daughter was, but I opted against it. The last thing I ever wanted to do was use our children as leverage against her. "They're good. How have you… Where have you been?" I wasn't sure which question I wanted the answer to first.

"I've been okay." She told me through a strained smile. It was as though she'd forgotten how long I had known her. I sighed and pursed my lips again, waiting for her to elaborate and answer my actual question. "I've been with Frankie." My eyes widened at her statement. She was a two minute walk away this whole time.

"Have you been drinking?" I asked, no longer able to avoid asking the question I needed to know the answer to. She hesitated, looking down into her coffee. "Have you had a drink today?"

"Can I come see the girls tonight?" She asked, ignoring me completely. I frowned at her, trying to understand what had happened to my sweet girl.

"Have you had a drink today?"

"No, so you need to stop pushing me before I get up and walk away." My eyes widened as she spoke to me in a dark voice. I didn't know who this woman was anymore.

"Madison and Ally have ballet tonight; it's Thursday." I reminded her. "So no; not tonight." She looked up at me as she rolled her eyes.

"Am I allowed to come home?" She asked, taking another sip of coffee as I imagined how anxious she felt waiting for my response.

"You need to speak with Emy before you do." There was no getting around the fact that a week ago our eldest daughter had told me she hated Jane. "She's got some very… strong opinions of you lately." Jane closed her eyes but nodded in understanding.

"What did she say?" I bit down on my bottom lip. As angry and hurt as I was by all that was happening between Jane and I; I never wanted to hurt her.

"She told me she hates you. And when you didn't call after you told Madison you would…" I hesitated, again biting down on my bottom lip.

"Just tell me." She whispered, her eyes pleading with me.

"She told me she hopes you never come back." Janes eyes widened at my words. She took a deep breath and after a few seconds, looked at me again. "She is hurt Jane, they all are."

"I'll be by the house at 4." She told me before she placed her sunglasses on her eyes, standing and again, leaving me sitting all alone.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I sat nervously on the sofa, my eyes glued to the clock on the wall as I waited for the girls to come home. The closer and closer the time crept to four, the more anxious I got. What if Jane got here first and I didn't get the chance to warn the girls? What if they showed up at the same time? I took a few deep breaths and on cue, my three girls walked into the house, Angela close behind them.

"How was it?" I asked, giving each of them a kiss on the cheek as they took their places beside me on the sofa, Ally lifting her arms so I could pull her into my lap.

"Can I be a lion for Halloween?" The four year old asked, looking up at me and for the first time I noticed her painted face. I giggled at how adorable she looked as I pressed my lips against hers.

"Hey listen, I need to talk to you guys about something." I started, Angela sitting in the arm chair across from me. I made a note to thank her for staying later; I had no idea how this was about to go down. "Mama is coming over in a little bit." I said, looking between the four and nine year old as my hand moved to Emys thigh, squeezing lightly so she knew I was more than aware of how she felt.

"Can I have dinner at your pace?" Emy asked, turning to look at Angela who looked to me for an answer. I frowned and turned to look at my daughter. "She left us." Emy started, her voice starting to rise as Ally wrapped her tiny arms around my waist.

"She said she would be back and now she is coming back. Right mom?" Madison's voice came from beside me, I pursed my lips and realised I should have planned all my answers to these questions before they came home.

"No, she's just going to come spend some time with us." Emy rolled her eyes at my vague explanation.

"So she isn't coming home?" Madison asked; her eyes full of questions and hurt as she spoke. I opened my mouth to talk but was interrupted by four quiet knocks on the front door.

"Please don't make me do this." Emy whispered, grabbing onto my arm as Angela made her way to open the front door. My eyes softened as I tried to decide what the right thing to do as a parent in the current situation was. I looked to Angela who was hovering by the front door. She nodded slowly.

"Go." Was all I could say, Emy jumping over the sofa and running toward her bedroom. I made a mental note to yell at her for jumping on the furniture later. The second Angela opened the door and Ally caught sight of her, she was off my lap and running.

"Hi bubby!" Jane exclaimed happily as she lifted her into the air, holding her close against her chest as she pressed kisses to every bit of skin she could find. I felt Madison hesitate beside me, and my heart broke as she pulled my hand into hers. She moved as close to me as she could, looking up at Jane with wonder. It was like Jane had been gone for years, not a week. "Hi, you." Jane added with a soft voice as she placed Ally back on the ground.

"It's okay." I whispered, wondering if Madison perhaps thought that if she was too happy to see Jane it would be as if she were choosing her over me. I pulled my hand free of hers and gave her a nudge. That was all it took before she threw her arms around Janes neck, burying her face into her mother's neck. "Oh I missed you." Jane sighed, her eyes closed as she pulled Ally into the cuddle too.

"You were gone for the longest time!" Ally complained, frowning at Jane. Jane sat down and crossed her legs, pulling both the girls onto each knee before she spoke.

"I'm here now." Was all she could seem to say. "I'm here now."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Angela had offered to take the girls to ballet so Jane and I could not only talk some more, but figure out what we were going to do about Emy. The twelve year old had not left her bedroom for three hours and was yet to set eyes on Jane.

"Come on." I sighed after an hour of us trying to come up with a strategy to get her out of the safety and comfort of her bedroom. I slipped Janes hand in mine, thinking that maybe if Emy thought I was okay and happy with Jane here; she might be too. Janes skin against mine felt like fire. I tried not to read into it when she let her thumb graze my hand.

"Emy, enough is enough." I said as I opened the door, walking in with Jane beside me. Emy looked up from the book in her hands and rolled her eyes dramatically.

"I don't care." Was all she said as she went back to reading whatever she was reading.

"I'm sorry." Jane started, taking her hand out of mine and sitting on the bed, so close to our daughter that Emy pulled away slightly. "I am so sorry." Jane repeated and I noted tears starting to make their way down Emys sweet face.

"Why did you say goodbye to Madi and not to me?" Emy asked, tears running freely down her face as she spoke this time. Jane leaned forward and took off our daughters reading glasses.

"Because saying goodbye to you would have been too hard for me, baby. I'm here now and I am so sorry for leaving you like I did." Emy started sobbing as she lunged forward into Janes arms, sobbing into her lap.

"You know she's only here for a visit, yeah?" I whispered awkwardly from the doorway, not wanting either or daughter or Jane to think this meant she could stay. Emy nodded as she sat up, wiping tears away from her face.

"Your mom had _nothing _to do with why I have to live apart from you guys, you know that yeah?" Emys eyes shifted to look at me momentarily before they settled back on Janes face. She nodded slowly and I silently thanked Jane.

"Can we watch a movie?" Emy asked, looking at me as she spoke now. I noted that we still had twenty minutes before the girls got home with Angela.

"Okay, but I want you to come eat something first." Emy nodded and stood up, holding Janes hand as they followed me into the kitchen.

"Kale, mom, really? Vomit." Emy said, scrunching up her face as she played with the food in front of her. Jane chuckled from beside her and looked at me apologetically. She was Janes daughter through and through.

When the girls came home, they all settled in comfortably around Jane on the sofa. Every single one of them fell asleep half way through Frozen. I'd seen the movie so many times the mere sound of the name Elsa made me want to scream.

"Jane." I whispered, kicking her foot lightly until she opened her eyes with a frown. "It's late…" She nodded in understanding as she carefully peeled the girls off her body.

"Thanks for letting me…" She gestured toward the living room rather than listing the things she was thankful for. I nodded and bit down on my lip as I walked her to the front door, following her out to the front step and closing the door behind us.

"I need to know what your plan is." I told her, crossing my arms across my chest to protect my body from the cold breeze. "We want you to come home, but not like this." She nodded at my words slowly, trying to decide what to say in response.

"You were right, I have some things I need to figure out on my own." She said quietly, looking up at me as she ran both her hands through her long mess of black curls. "I miss you." I closed my eyes and pursed my lips, trying to hold in the wide range of emotions her words bought out in me.

"We miss you too." It wasn't a lie. I wanted nothing more than for her to come home and everything to go back to how it was before; but I knew this was nowhere near that simple. "So hurry up and figure out whatever it is you need to, okay?" I said playfully, nudging her with my body. She wrapped her arms around my body, catching me off guard. Rather than fighting her and warning her how much hard this was going to make everything, I closed my eyes and let the moment happen.

"When can I come around next?" She whispered, her chin resting on my shoulder. I kept my eyes closed as I tried to think of when we were next going to be readily available, but her breath on my neck made it hard to think.

"Do you want to pick Ally up from preschool tomorrow?" I suggested. Angela had become a god sent since Jane left. Our older girls were picked up and spent the afternoons with Frankie until I finished work and Angela had been taking care of Ally. I'm sure our little girl would be more than happy to instead spend her time with her mama. Jane nodded against my neck, her lips ghosting over my pulse point before she pulled back.

"I'm sorry." Her words were quiet, but the way her eyes melted into mine as she spoke told me how honest those words were. She didn't want any of this to be happening.

"Just don't make us wait much longer."


	4. Remembering Sunday

Remembering Sunday

"What are you doing here?" I asked with raised eyebrows as Angela, Frankie, Tommy, Lydia and TJ walked through my front door Sunday afternoon. They all seemed to ignore what I was asking as they went straight to paying attention to the girls. My eyes settled on Frankie and I debated asking him why Jane didn't come with him.

"It's Sunday." Angela said matter-of-factly, shrugging her shoulders at me. I bit down on my bottom lip as I followed her into the kitchen. She turned the oven on and placed whatever she had in the pan in her hands inside, the smell of pumpkin quickly filling the kitchen.

"I'm not following."

"Maura." Angela sighed, turning and placing her hands on my forearms. "Just because she isn't here tonight, that does not mean family dinner is off." I nodded, my eyes resting on Angela's loving face as I tried to comprehend what exactly the meaning behind her words was.

I never knew what it was like having a large family. My three girls and Jane were the most family I had ever known. Even when Angela, Frankie, Tommy and the rest were here; I always unwillingly thought of them as _Jane's_ family. They were always here for Jane. I was starting to realise that may not be the case.

"Are you guys coming to my game tonight?" Emy asked, grabbing all of our attention as she wrapped her arms around Frankie's centre.

"As if we'd miss the start of your baseball career, nugget." No one could remember the moment Frankie's nickname for his oldest niece started, but for some reason it had stuck around her whole life.

"Yay!" Ally exclaimed, jumping off the sofa and into Tommy's waiting arms. Angela started chastising Tommy for encouraging such behaviour as Madison and TJ started wrestling on the living room floor, earning worried glances from a pregnant Lydia.

"Madi be gentle." I warned her, walking over to sit beside Lydia, my eyes going straight to her abdomen. "Pregnancy suits you so well." I told her with a smile, lifting my hand but hesitating inches from her stomach. She smiled and placed my hand on her stomach just in time to feel the baby kick.

"I think we're going to have another soccer player." Lydia giggled, sighing happily as her eyes went back to watching TJ.

"I miss this so much." I admitted with a soft smile, trying to hide how jealous I was. It had been too long since I felt the amazing things I knew Lydia was feeling right now.

"Did you guys ever talk about having more?" She asked innocently.

"We always agreed on three." I told her truthfully. "I'm an only child, so the amount of new drama and noise that comes with _three _girls is already too much for me." I wanted to laugh, but it was the truth. There was no way I would be able to handle _another _child in the house. My three girls were perfect. Why mess with perfection?

_This_ is our family, Maura. With or without Jane; that clearly wasn't changing.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Man, she sure can hit." Frankie noted from beside me, sitting on the edge of his seat as he watched Emy hit the ball. Jane had insisted on each of our girls at least _trying _baseball. Emy was the only one who fell in love with it. Madison fell straight onto her behind the first time she hit the ball and she refused to ever pick up a bat again. The second Ally held a baseball bat, she started dancing around it and _Jane _refused to ever let her touch one.

"Do you know if Jane plans on joining us tonight?" I asked quietly, making sure Madison and Ally were out of hearing range before I spoke. I had resisted asking anything about Jane all through dinner and I couldn't hold it in any longer. Frankie kept his gaze forward as he sighed, turning to face me with an apologetic look all over his face.

"I don't know." His facial movements told me he was lying, but I also knew the bond between Frankie and his sister was strong. Telling him I knew he was lying to me would achieve nothing.

"I've been doing some research on alcohol addiction." I started, pulling my tablet out of my handbag. He laughed awkwardly, placing his hand on mine to still my movements.

"No matter how much research you do; you'll never be able to understand it, trust me." I pursed my lips and patiently waited for an explanation. "When our pop was drinking real bad, I did that to." He nodded toward my handbag as he spoke. "I still don't understand why they do it. Don't torture yourself Maura. Trust me." I took a deep breath and took in his suggestion.

"I can't just sit here and wait for her to stop drinking." My voice was quiet as I spoke, my eyes scanning to see how close our children were again.

"She hasn't had a drink all week. She's just trying to avoid any triggering…"

"So we're her trigger." I interrupted my eyes wide as I realised why Jane stayed out so late, why she avoided coming home all together before she left.

"Maura…" Frankies voice was thick with apology as he spoke.

"Mommy, cuddle." Ally asked, standing in front of me suddenly. She tugged lightly on my hand until I lifted her into my lap, pulling the blanket I had on my legs around her small frame. Her head rested comfortably on my chest. I went to pull her thumb out of her mouth when she settled but opted to just let her do whatever she needed to find comfort.

"Can we please go home now?" Madison complained from beside me, her head resting comfortably on my shoulder as we sat watching Emy. I turned my head and pressed three light kisses to the top of her head as Frankie opened his arms to her.

"Come here, babe." He said quietly, smiling softly at me as he pulled the nine year old into his lap, wrapping his arms around her middle. This was the hardest part about being a single parent. I was happily keeping our four year old daughter warm and safe in my lap, but that in turn meant I wasn't able to cuddle our nine year old when she needed me. I took a deep breath, placing my hand that wasn't holding Ally close to me against Madison's leg.

I was tired. Raising three girls alone was not anything like I ever thought it would be. When I told Jane to leave and take her time coming back, I never anticipated just how hard I would struggle sharing my attention equally between our children. At least when Jane was around I knew that when I spent more time with one or two of the girls, the other/s would be happily spending time with their other parent. But now? Now if I spent even half an hour cuddling with one of the girls I felt guilty about it.

"Hey." Frankies voice came from beside me, snapping me out of my pity party. I put on my best brave face and smiled as affectionately as I possibly could at him. "You're a good mom." I pursed my lips and smiled a thank you in his direction, unable to tell him I had serious doubts about what he was saying. I turned my head away from our family and caught sight of Jane in the car park, sitting on the bonnet of her car, her eyes meeting mine.

"Hey Tommy, do you mind…" I gestured toward Ally in my lap and without saying a word, he lifted her off my lap and into his arms. I made my way toward where Jane sat, her eyebrows raising as she noticed me approaching.

"Is it us? Are we the reason?" My voice started to shake as I spoke, my hands following suit as I crossed my arms in front of me to make sure she could not see the physical signs of my anger. All I saw in front of me was a confused woman. "The drinking, Jane. Is it because of us?"

"You're not the reason." Her voice was soft, apologetic as she spoke. Her expression softened as she realised what I was insinuating. "You're the reason I'm still here, Maura." I tried to keep my frown deep on my face, but the longer I stood there looking at her, the harder it was to stay upset.

"I cannot keep doing this without you." I threw my hand back to where our family was sitting, Madison's eyes pointed in our direction now, exactly what I was hoping to avoid. "Do you have any idea how hard this is?"

"I haven't had a drink all week." She told me, the lack of movement in her left eyebrow as she spoke telling me she wasn't lying to me. She smiled suddenly, looking over my shoulder and waving; I knew our time alone was running out.

"Come home tonight." As soon as the words left my mouth, the smile from Janes face disappeared. I felt my heart sink. "Nevermind…"

"No." She interjected quickly before I could fully retract my offer. "I want to come home."

"Mamaaa!" The loud scream that came from our four year old as she ran full speed toward Jane was ear piercing. Jane chuckled as she ran forward to meet her, scooping her up and into her arms as soon as she was close enough. "Miss you." Ally said through a giggle, grabbing Janes face and kissing her lips.

"You don't have to miss me anymore baby." Jane told her, sliding her onto her hip as she held her free hand out toward me. I should have thought about the action before I did it; but I took her hand and walked back to our family with her. "Did they win?" Jane asked as we sat down, Madison moving from Frankies lap to mine in seconds, her hand on Janes forearm.

"She hit a god damn home run." Frankie said, his eyes straight as he watched Emy walk off the field with her team mates. "You need to watch this kid, man." He laughed, shaking his head to look at me. "She could be pro." His eyebrows lifted when his eyes settled on Jane beside me. "What… When did you get here?"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Okay, your mother will still be here in the morning. Bed." I instructed our two oldest girls who hadn't left Janes side since the second she came home with us. Emy watched her younger sister disappear down the hallway before she tapped my hand softly, her eyes full of worry. "I promise you, she will be here." I told her, holding her sweet face in my hands as I pressed a light kiss to her cheek.

"Night baby." Jane whispered, hugging Emy tightly before she sat back down.

"I wonder why Frankie doesn't drink." I pondered, looking across at Jane as I sat beside her at the breakfast bad. She frowned into her coffee cup as she looked up at me with questioning eyes. "Alcoholism runs in families. Your father, Tommy, you… I'm just wondering why it seemed too surpass Frankie."

"He's still young." She laughed, her smile fading quickly when she noted how unamused I was by her silly joke.

"Why did you start drinking?" I asked nervously, biting down on the inside of my lip as my eyes instinctively darted to the room around us to be sure we were alone.

"Work." She told me truthfully, looking up at me with an apologetic smile. "Stress." She added, her eyes quickly darting around the room. I pursed my lips knowing exactly what she meant. Three young girls were not the best thing to come home to after a stressful day.

"Have you thought about rehab?" I asked seriously, taking a sip of the warm coffee in the palm of my hands. "I've looked at a few close by." I admitted when she didn't answer, leaning down the bench to grab my laptop.

"No." Her hand stopped mine, shaking her head slowly. "But I think I'm going to see a therapist."

"Do you want me to come…"

"Not at first." She whispered, sighing before she continued. "There's a few things I need to work through, but once I have, I would love it if you would come with me." I smiled sympathetically in her direction, desperately wanting to know what had gone wrong in her incredible brain.


	5. For You

For You

It was strange how quickly we seemed to fall back into a regular routine once Jane had been home for a few days. She drove the girls to school, picked me up on the way to work and then I picked the girls up in the afternoon. The only real difference was the fact Jane opted to sleep at her mothers every other night, creeping back in in the morning before the girls woke up. I was yet to ask for a reason for why she was doing it, but if she was happy and not drinking; I wasn't going to ask too many questions.

My phone buzzed in the steel bowl I always placed it in while I was doing an autopsy, and I frowned as I had to place the heart back into the chest cavity. My brow furrowed as I pulled my gloves off, noting the blocked caller ID on the screen.

"Dr Isles." I spoke into my cell phone, my tone more annoyed than I had meant.

"Mom?" My eyes widened as I caught wind of my daughters voice. "Can you come get me?" I wasn't oblivious to the anxiety that strained behind Emys voice as she spoke, and I did my best not to cave in and say yes immediately like I usually would.

"Why aren't you at school?" I asked, my dominant parenting tone coming out as I spoke. I hated the way my voice sounded with that edge. Jane was always better at this. This was not the first time since Emy started high school that she had called and begged me to pick her up because she _forgot _homework. My eyes moved back to the body in front of me.

"I am at school. I… Mom…" I could hear the tears on the other end of the phone, and before I knew what I was doing I was headed out the door, pressing the elevator button over and over again.

"Listen to me, go to where I usually pick you up." I instructed her as I stepped off the elevator, Janes eyebrows lifting when she saw me approaching. "Give me your keys." I demanded, holding my hand out toward her. Jane tilted her head to the left as she pulled her keys out of her back pocket, placing them in my hands as she placed her ear against the phone that was pressed to mine, trying to hear what was going on. I heard Frost laugh at her action.

"I'll be there in fifteen minutes baby." I said down the phone, handing it to Jane without saying a word before I made a b-line for the elevator again.

"Maura?" Jane asked, running to catch up behind me, the phone against her chest.

"Are you coming or not?" I knew Jane would try and talk me out of going to get her if I just stood here and talked about it. After all the girls had been through this past month, I wasn't leaving her at school when she was as upset as she seemed to be. Without saying a word to me, Jane bought the phone back to her ear.

"Yeah babe, we're leaving now."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

We drove home in silence; Emys eyes covered with dark sunglasses but the redness around her nose giving her away. Jane kept shooting me worried glances, silently asking me when she or I should speak up.

"Baby…" Jane started, biting down on the inside of her mouth as she turned around in the passenger seat. Emy didn't look in her direction. "What…" Jane started, her eyes widening as she climbed into the backseat

"Ma!" Emy panicked, her hands instinctively holding the glasses on her face in place. Jane sat beside her, looking at her face before she turned to look at me in the rear view mirror.

"Pull over." I didn't ask why as I pulled the car to the side of the road, unbuckling my belt to turn around and try to understand what was going on. "Emy, did someone hit you?" Jane asked quietly, my eyebrows raising as I noticed for the first time the dark purple bruising that was peeking out from the side of her glasses.

"You run into a door?" Jane asked; her voice not sarcastic enough for our twelve year old to catch on. She nodded, forcing an embarrassed smile, my stomach dropping at the simple act.

"Jane…" I whispered, my eyes on Emys hands that were sitting awkwardly in her lap, bruises forming on her knuckles. Jane took a deep breath and nodded slowly, both of us trying to decide what the right thing to do in this situation was.

"Want to go shopping?" Jane offered, Emy giggling as she nodded.

"Um…" I started, completely oblivious to Janes course of action. She kissed Emys head softly before she climbed back into the seat beside me, smiling softly at me as she buckled up.

"One of us is going to have to pick your sisters up baby." Jane said, looking over her shoulder at our eldest daughter. Emy nodded in understanding, her eyes seeming to settle on me in the mirror. Jane laughed and nodded. "I'd want to go with your mom too."

"I'm lost." I told Jane, my brow furrowed in frustration at being completely left out of whatever parenting technique Jane was using.

"Take her shopping, get her talking. She just needs her mommy." Jane whispered, her eyes never looking in my direction as she spoke. I pursed my lips and wondered if this was really the right thing for me to be doing as a parent. Everything inside me told me to get down to Emys level and talk to her like an equal.

I guess I would try manipulating her with shopping first.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Shouldn't we be looking at clothes I can wear to school?" Emy asked, her voice full of confusion as I walked with her hand in hand into Alex and Alexa. I smiled at her and rolled my eyes as she took off her sunglasses. My heart dropped at the visible bruise, but I pushed past it.

"You could wear clothes from here to school." She giggled at me as I spoke.

"Mom, this shirt is $400. No, I can't." She was too much like her other mother.

"Whenever I'm really upset about something, this is the one thing that usually helps." I knew that my daughter wasn't half as interested in fashion as I was, but the light in her eyes as she skimmed over the floor length formal dresses told me her mind was changing.

"Do you want to tell me what happened today?" I asked softly, my eyes looking up at her as I continued skimming through the racks.

"Jessica was picking on this kid from the special unit, I told her to stop, we fought, she hit me so I hit her back." The words left her mouth with such fluidity it amazed me. She barely looked up at me as she spoke.

"Your friend Jessica?" I clarified, trying to decide if it made me more or less proud of her that she fought over a total stranger with her best friend. She nodded slowly.

"It reminded me of when kids used to say things to me about you and Ma." She started, smiling apologetically at me before she continued. "I can't help who my parents are as much as he can't help that he's got a disability, it wasn't okay for her to say what she was saying to him." I tried to hold my smile at bay.

"When am I ever going to wear this mom?" She laughed as I picked up a floor length black dress, draping it over my arm. Her change of subject told me we were done talking about this today.

"We'll go somewhere really nice tonight." I told her, smiling at the excited expression that came across her face at my words. I made a mental note to call Jane and let her know we were taking our daughter out tonight before we went home. I knew Jane would complain to no end about having to go somewhere nice.

"Ma will freak if she sees me wearing this." Emy said quietly, her fingers slowly tracing over the sheer fabric of the black dress I had in my hands. I knew the look on her face like the back of my hand; she was in love with it.

"We'll take this one please." I said simply to the woman behind the register, placing the dress on the counter before I led my daughter back to where the shoes were, and picking up a pair of black kitten heels. I smiled down at the shoes, remembering my own very first pair of high heels.

"This is way too much." Emy laughed, shaking her head as I placed them on the counter beside the dress. She wrapped her arms around my waist when I ignored her lacklustre protest, sighing as she nuzzled her face inside my side. "I love you." Maybe Jane was onto something with this new parenting technique.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Emy was right, Jane did freak out when she saw our twelve year old dressed in a black formal dress with make up on and her hair pulled back off her face in the way mine always is. The make up was able to perfectly cover the new bruise; a fact I was quiet proud of.

"You look beautiful." I told our daughter, my heart racing as I noted just how grown up she looked standing before us. Janes hand was gripping my thigh so hard I had to pry it free.

"You look _really _grown up." Was all Jane could say, her eyes scanning over Emys dress.

"This really did make me feel better." Emy said quietly, running her hands along the sheer fabric that ran down the length of her body. She smiled at us both as Ally walked into the room, her eyes wide when she caught sight of her sister

"You look so pretty." Ally told her, holding her arms up to her older sister. Emy let out a quiet groan as she lifted her four year old sister off the ground, resting her on her hip. It was the scariest thing I had ever seen.

"Jesus, give her a wine glass and that's you." Jane told me, shaking her head in complete bewilderment. It was the first time I had ever noticed just how alike my daughter and I looked. "Okay nope this is too much for me." Jane exclaimed suddenly, taking Ally out of Emys arms and pulling her tightly into her chest. I couldn't help but laugh as Ally climbed into my lap, frowning at her other mother who was stealing her cuddles.

"I don't want to go anywhere tonight; I just wanted to feel this." Emy told me, looking past Jane who was still holding onto her.

An hour later all five of us were in our pyjamas squished onto the three person sofa. I had Ally in my arms, Emys head resting on my shoulder while Jane had Madison in her lap.

"Thank you." Emy whispered to me while the rest of the family continued arguing over what movie we were going to watch. "For today." Emy concluded, clearly noting the confused expression that must have crossed my face. "You're the best mom."

What more could I ever need?


End file.
